Twilight on Yelp

18 02 2010

This was the review of the day on Yelp in D.C. today. Plus it was written by a straight dude. Had to pump it up:


“If the Twilight cast were to ever eat at Bon Chon, this is (hypothetically) what would happen…

*Edward Cullen and Bella sitting at Bon Chon. Piping hot chicken just served to them…*

Edward: Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. So very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason.
Bella: *munching away at bon chon chicken* Wha? You say something?
Edward: You’re not even listening to me Bella! You are utterly absurd sometimes.
Bella: Whatevs, this be some DAMN good chicken
Edward: Let me have a bite…
Bella: But- you can’t. You can’t eat human food!
Edward: Just a bite, let me prove to you that I will do anything and put myself in harms way just for you.
Bella: awww for me? What a LAME ASS excuse to try to get a bite of my chicken!

*Edward gazes into her eyes*

Edward: Don’t you trust me? Close your eyes…
Bella: *gazes back, swoons, closes her eyes* I do…

*Edward quickly grabs 2 pieces of chicken and starts scarfing them down.*

Edward: Wow, what a sap!
Bella: You bastard! You’ll get sick!
Edward: Honey, the only thing I’m getting sick of is YOU. *takes big chomp of chicken*
Bella: I don’t get it. You control yourself so well around me these days. How can you not control yourself over a stupid piece of chicken? I thought “I” was the tasty one?!
Edward: GIRL, if you were THIS tasty you’d be long dead by now. *munching away*
Bella: Whatever. I’m texting Jacob Black…

*Jacob Black appears*

Jacob: Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.
Bella: Oh my God! Jacob, you’ve come to rescue me! And PS- LOVE that you’re quoting shit from New Moon.
Jacob: Guurrrllll, all you can quote me on is a table for one and two plates o’ chicken.
Bella: What the hell is going on here?! Why is everyone obsessed with Bon Chon chicken? And why are you two turning all ghetto fab on me with the “Girlll” remarks?
Edward: I guess the chicken here brings out the ghetto in all of us!
Bella: Edward! That was such a racist remark! You should be ashamed of yourself! Anyways, this place is KOREAN.
Jacob: Like yo’ mama!
Bella: Wha? That didn’t even-
Edward: Nice one Jacob *high fives him*
Bella: THAT DIDNT EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Jacob: Neither does the Twilight saga, but hey, shit sells.

*Bella storms out as Jacob joins Edward for some delicious Bon Chicken chicken*

Yes. Bon Chon Chicken is THAT good.”

[via Yelp]

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