I wrote this song for you, sike, just kidding…

17 11 2009

whaaaaaaaaaaa-uuuuppppp

Ugh. If you all were keeping up on the rapid fire tweets last night, it was me who was hating on Anya Marina. Hundreds of thousands of anxious fans tuned into the MySpace feed (mistake number 1) to watch her and Other Guy butcher what could have been a really cool look into the red carpet activities. First off, before I get the Hater of the Century Award… yes, I understand how nerve wracking it might have been and yes, I know how difficult it is to get out of bed and pretend to care about life… but if you aren’t up to the task… keep your satellite ass home.

A performance appraisal for Anya Marina, 10 areas of improvement identified:

  1. Oh for the love of god… do not plug yourself to every single person that gets on your platform. The reason why Gil Birmingham looked shocked and irritated is because he was and COMPLETELY valid in that.
  2. Brush your hair. But this is really just a symptom of a much larger problem;
  3. Don’t take drugs. Seriously, I hear slurring and concentration are greatly affected after a heavy shake of that Xanax bottle.
  4. Learn the actors’ names. This was not the event to run in all willy-nilly. If you are so psyched to be on the soundtrack and feel the need to tell everyone you already saw the movie… PAY ATTENTION TO THE CREDITS instead of just scanning for your own name or buy a magazine. ANY MAGAZINE. I bet Popular Mechanics even did a photoshoot with a couple of them.
  5. When UStream cuts out, use this as an opportunity. This is a great time to either whip open a little face book of everyone there or at least pound a little coffee to cut the downers.
  6. You are the only person that thinks your “quirkiness” is cute. </story>
  7. Great, now everyone thinks we’re losers too. You are here to do a job. We are here to watch you do it.  By association that we are watching this train go off the rails, it’s assumed that we are train wrecks too.  We had no choice but to watch and wince to just get a glimpse of Robear and KStew. Thanks for holding us hostage.
  8. Don’t creep out the children.  Yeah, Richie Sambora’s daughter was way cute… but I bet the second he left, he had to have one of those convos about drug and alcohol abuse that he was hoping to stave off for a few more years. Then again, knowledge is power, so maybe it was a good thing.
  9. Set an example. I get that this isn’t your normal gig, but Courtney the contest winner was so cute and nervous and really rose to the occasion. She isn’t showbiz, but she ran circles around you.
  10. Yeah, leave the jokes to the professionals. The third time you told an actor you wrote the song about them, I think it was Ashley Greene and she replied “Really?”… you said “no, not really, but check it out on myspace.com/….” The look on her face was priceless. A divine combination of “What?” and “Who are you?” By the time you got to Kristen, I was screaming through the screen to tell her to not buy into your act.

no doikes

Ok, I’m done ranting. And I promise I won’t bring it up again, Allie. It’s out of my system now.

(whisper– feel free to add your own bullets if you think I missed something)








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